Now...

I don't know where to begin. These past few days have been the most extraordinary of my life beginning with last Friday when saying "see ya later" to McKinney.

Every time I have left a town I've never looked back, never wanted to go back. McKinney's different. Yes, it's because my daughter's there but it's also because I fell in love there. I fell in love with the square, the people, the magic, and myself. It's an amazing place, one that I will never permanently leave.

Just writing about my time there brings tears to my eyes. It was almost two years of re-discovering myself and finally enjoying who I saw in the mirror. I got a lot of backlash from family members not believing in me, not trusting me, and thinking I've pretty much lost my mind. I thank them for helping me clarify exactly what I'm here to do and how I want to show up in the world. I'm here to serve. I'm here to love unconditionally. I'm here to throw off all the crap from judgments and criticisms I've held so dear. And, I'm here to get rid of the notion of what's true and what's not because I've learned that just when I think I've discovered "the truth" I've also discovered that it's false.

My life is malleable. My time collapses, and my world shrinks and expands. It has a mind of its own it seems, and sometimes I'm just along for the ride. I don't know where I'm going. More importantly, I don't want to know. I want to be so fully present that the future isn't even a concern anymore, and the past doesn't even show up on my radar screen. Right here, right now I am exactly where I need to be. My heart overflows with love for all. I can't be contained. I think of one person and my heart blossoms; I think of another and it feels like my body's gonna bust in two to let it out. I am that full. I am that in love with me, with all.

My last night in McKinney was spent with a man that I never expected to see again, much less share such an amazing experience together. He was... well, I have no words for how he showed up last Friday. I used to try to figure out how my life would go, how I could play it out, and then this man showed up again and changed everything.

I got to see me through his eyes again, and this time I liked what I saw. Finally. Miraculously. He gave me the greatest gift I could've ever asked for if I'd only known to ask for it. He gave me the gift of allowing me to really appreciate what he saw in me. Forty years later I can look in his eyes and enjoy the view of how he looks at me because as a freshman in high school I could not understand how in the world he could look at me like that. I couldn't even look in the mirror, so how could he possibly look at me and enjoy what he was seeing? How could he?

It was a rather tough night for me anyway because I was saying my goodbyes every place we went, and Square Burger was the last stop on the square. I remember Nathon giving me my beer, and I remember Brandon handing me some cards. As I opened the first one and read what Brandon had written to me, I began to cry. This wonderful man who sat on a bar stool next to me, wrapped his arms around me, and let me know it was okay to cry. My heart broke. Tears streaming down my face, and I could think of no other place I wanted to be but in his arms.

I am so grateful to all the people in my life who have helped transform me. I am such a work in progress, and now I do it with such joy, such gratitude, and with so much love. I can't help but give it back. I would explode if I didn't.

So, my friend, Tammy Davis, and I are giving back and serving to the best of our ability right now. We're working with AIDS and cancer patients so far. We've teamed up with my energy work and her aromatherapy. Being in the AIDS facility yesterday helped me understand why my life has unfolded as it has. I opened my heart and showered love all over these people. We are all magnificent souls here. We just get so caught up in the mundane and the craziness. I know, I was once there. I was once the one juggling mortgages, car loans, 12-hour work days, chauffeuring kids, etc. I remember how little I put into my spiritual growth. I didn't even think about it. I just knew that my days were good if my to-do lists could be completed, or close to it.

Now, I love. Now, I lead from my heart. Now, I feel instead of think. Now, I appreciate and am grateful. Now... It's all I've got.

burgers and brew

Katy with the best popcorn in the world

Brandon and me

I hate that my phone doesn't have a flash, but in this picture I was actually glad because I look way too sad to be seen very clearly. I am sad to be leaving my boys and Square Burger. Tonight while drinking a little brew with the best popcorn in the world sitting in front of me, Tammy and I got the opportunity in the world to chat with Craig for a change. He was out of the kitchen for a change and standing by the taps talking to us.

We came up with a game plan to keep Craig, Brandon, and Gnoc in our lives. We're going to open up a Bare Burger in Santa Fe and then the Strip Burger in Evergreen, Colorado. You know, while I type those names I'm thinking you may be getting the wrong impression about those names. It's not people that will be bare, but the burgers, and the strip has nothing to do with lack of clothing, but the kind of street it would be on.

So, as Tammy and I make our way westward we're taking Square Burger with us. There's just no reason to be without the best food in the world or the people responsible for putting it here. I love you guys, and I'm not going where I can't take you with me. Brandon's just waiting for me to give him a big check that will actually not bounce. There's just too much money out there to not land in the appropriate hands that can make this venture of ours possible. Really, what else does Bill Gates have to do anyway??

Strip Burger

Nathan with a sweet potato fry that escaped

I went to Square Burger for the first time in a million years last night. God knows I got plenty of grief from the owner, Brandon Horrocks, for not being as regular as I once was. The truth is that I still see Brandon on a regular basis, but just haven't bellied up to the bar like I used to until last night. A friend of mine from Colorado came into town and there was nothing else we could do but go to Square Burger. He'd read enough about the place in my blogs. It was a must, so Larry and I, along with Tammy, bellied up to the bar in Square Burger last night.

Nothing like a Square Burger pickle



So, the first thing I had to do was introduce Larry to Square Burger crack, better known as popcorn, as only Craig and Gnoc can make it. After finishing off several bowls of that, he had to test drive the fried pickles. They must've been to his liking because he ordered another batch along with the sweet potato fries.

Sweet potato fries

Brandon (left) and Larry (right)

Now you're just going to have to take my word for it when I tell you that the above picture shows Brandon and Larry talking to each other because it's hard for me to even decipher their identities. No flash on the phone camera and that's as good as it gets that late at night.

So, the topic of conversation was that Brandon contends that Larry is the reason I'm moving away from McKinney. I have told Brandon from the beginning that it's not true. I do not move for men, any man. And, now I'm not moving back to Colorado. I'm stopping first in Santa Fe for a tour, and I don't know how long that adventure will last there. However, that being said, it proves that I am not moving because of Larry. I am moving because it's the right next step for me. It was Larry however, who spent 3.25 hours at $450/hour consulting fee, telling me why I was making a mistake by choosing Santa Fe over Evergreen, CO. (Good thing I wasn't paying....) The conclusion my boys came to was that I really was moving because of Larry because number one, I was protesting too much, and two, because according to Larry you can track the switch in my blogs from writing about McKinney to Colorado right after he'd sent me a picture of Evergreen.

What's the truth? The truth is that I'm making my decisions according to how I feel. Right now it feels right to move to Santa Fe with Tammy and begin what we consider to be the first of our healing facilities. Our intention is to eventually land in Evergreen, but right now the energy takes us to Santa Fe.

The other truth is that I will miss Brandon and Square Burger and everyone else there so very much. Brandon's made a home for me there at the bar. Brandon has become one of my dearest friends who I love very much. It's always a better day for having seen him and hugged him. Since June 14th this year I've looked forward to seeing his face and wrapping my arms around him every single day.

 

So, Brandon, just so you know, wherever I go I take my memories of you with me. You are part of my family, and there will hardly be a day that goes by that I won't think of you and wish I was sitting at your bar. Larry wants a Strip Burger in Evergreen.Since there's no square and only a strip in that town, that's the name of the restaurant he wants to put together with you and Craig and my big check I hand over to him to get that party started. See, Brandon, I'm not leaving you; I'm taking you with me.

a little brew