Now...

I don't know where to begin. These past few days have been the most extraordinary of my life beginning with last Friday when saying "see ya later" to McKinney.

Every time I have left a town I've never looked back, never wanted to go back. McKinney's different. Yes, it's because my daughter's there but it's also because I fell in love there. I fell in love with the square, the people, the magic, and myself. It's an amazing place, one that I will never permanently leave.

Just writing about my time there brings tears to my eyes. It was almost two years of re-discovering myself and finally enjoying who I saw in the mirror. I got a lot of backlash from family members not believing in me, not trusting me, and thinking I've pretty much lost my mind. I thank them for helping me clarify exactly what I'm here to do and how I want to show up in the world. I'm here to serve. I'm here to love unconditionally. I'm here to throw off all the crap from judgments and criticisms I've held so dear. And, I'm here to get rid of the notion of what's true and what's not because I've learned that just when I think I've discovered "the truth" I've also discovered that it's false.

My life is malleable. My time collapses, and my world shrinks and expands. It has a mind of its own it seems, and sometimes I'm just along for the ride. I don't know where I'm going. More importantly, I don't want to know. I want to be so fully present that the future isn't even a concern anymore, and the past doesn't even show up on my radar screen. Right here, right now I am exactly where I need to be. My heart overflows with love for all. I can't be contained. I think of one person and my heart blossoms; I think of another and it feels like my body's gonna bust in two to let it out. I am that full. I am that in love with me, with all.

My last night in McKinney was spent with a man that I never expected to see again, much less share such an amazing experience together. He was... well, I have no words for how he showed up last Friday. I used to try to figure out how my life would go, how I could play it out, and then this man showed up again and changed everything.

I got to see me through his eyes again, and this time I liked what I saw. Finally. Miraculously. He gave me the greatest gift I could've ever asked for if I'd only known to ask for it. He gave me the gift of allowing me to really appreciate what he saw in me. Forty years later I can look in his eyes and enjoy the view of how he looks at me because as a freshman in high school I could not understand how in the world he could look at me like that. I couldn't even look in the mirror, so how could he possibly look at me and enjoy what he was seeing? How could he?

It was a rather tough night for me anyway because I was saying my goodbyes every place we went, and Square Burger was the last stop on the square. I remember Nathon giving me my beer, and I remember Brandon handing me some cards. As I opened the first one and read what Brandon had written to me, I began to cry. This wonderful man who sat on a bar stool next to me, wrapped his arms around me, and let me know it was okay to cry. My heart broke. Tears streaming down my face, and I could think of no other place I wanted to be but in his arms.

I am so grateful to all the people in my life who have helped transform me. I am such a work in progress, and now I do it with such joy, such gratitude, and with so much love. I can't help but give it back. I would explode if I didn't.

So, my friend, Tammy Davis, and I are giving back and serving to the best of our ability right now. We're working with AIDS and cancer patients so far. We've teamed up with my energy work and her aromatherapy. Being in the AIDS facility yesterday helped me understand why my life has unfolded as it has. I opened my heart and showered love all over these people. We are all magnificent souls here. We just get so caught up in the mundane and the craziness. I know, I was once there. I was once the one juggling mortgages, car loans, 12-hour work days, chauffeuring kids, etc. I remember how little I put into my spiritual growth. I didn't even think about it. I just knew that my days were good if my to-do lists could be completed, or close to it.

Now, I love. Now, I lead from my heart. Now, I feel instead of think. Now, I appreciate and am grateful. Now... It's all I've got.

My Brandon

My Brandon and Me

Last night Brandon came over to the spa while I was working late. If you're totally unfamiliar with my life, Brandon is someone I absolutely love and the owner of Square Burger. Contrary to what a lot of people think when they see us together, Brandon and I have really only known each other since the middle of June. And still, I call him my Brandon. Last night when I told him that, he just smiled and said, "Well, I call you my Jill." As he should. I am his Jill, always.

So, when people question who I am to him, he can just say that I'm his Jill as I will always refer to him as my Brandon.

burgers and brew

Katy with the best popcorn in the world

Brandon and me

I hate that my phone doesn't have a flash, but in this picture I was actually glad because I look way too sad to be seen very clearly. I am sad to be leaving my boys and Square Burger. Tonight while drinking a little brew with the best popcorn in the world sitting in front of me, Tammy and I got the opportunity in the world to chat with Craig for a change. He was out of the kitchen for a change and standing by the taps talking to us.

We came up with a game plan to keep Craig, Brandon, and Gnoc in our lives. We're going to open up a Bare Burger in Santa Fe and then the Strip Burger in Evergreen, Colorado. You know, while I type those names I'm thinking you may be getting the wrong impression about those names. It's not people that will be bare, but the burgers, and the strip has nothing to do with lack of clothing, but the kind of street it would be on.

So, as Tammy and I make our way westward we're taking Square Burger with us. There's just no reason to be without the best food in the world or the people responsible for putting it here. I love you guys, and I'm not going where I can't take you with me. Brandon's just waiting for me to give him a big check that will actually not bounce. There's just too much money out there to not land in the appropriate hands that can make this venture of ours possible. Really, what else does Bill Gates have to do anyway??

Strip Burger

Nathan with a sweet potato fry that escaped

I went to Square Burger for the first time in a million years last night. God knows I got plenty of grief from the owner, Brandon Horrocks, for not being as regular as I once was. The truth is that I still see Brandon on a regular basis, but just haven't bellied up to the bar like I used to until last night. A friend of mine from Colorado came into town and there was nothing else we could do but go to Square Burger. He'd read enough about the place in my blogs. It was a must, so Larry and I, along with Tammy, bellied up to the bar in Square Burger last night.

Nothing like a Square Burger pickle



So, the first thing I had to do was introduce Larry to Square Burger crack, better known as popcorn, as only Craig and Gnoc can make it. After finishing off several bowls of that, he had to test drive the fried pickles. They must've been to his liking because he ordered another batch along with the sweet potato fries.

Sweet potato fries

Brandon (left) and Larry (right)

Now you're just going to have to take my word for it when I tell you that the above picture shows Brandon and Larry talking to each other because it's hard for me to even decipher their identities. No flash on the phone camera and that's as good as it gets that late at night.

So, the topic of conversation was that Brandon contends that Larry is the reason I'm moving away from McKinney. I have told Brandon from the beginning that it's not true. I do not move for men, any man. And, now I'm not moving back to Colorado. I'm stopping first in Santa Fe for a tour, and I don't know how long that adventure will last there. However, that being said, it proves that I am not moving because of Larry. I am moving because it's the right next step for me. It was Larry however, who spent 3.25 hours at $450/hour consulting fee, telling me why I was making a mistake by choosing Santa Fe over Evergreen, CO. (Good thing I wasn't paying....) The conclusion my boys came to was that I really was moving because of Larry because number one, I was protesting too much, and two, because according to Larry you can track the switch in my blogs from writing about McKinney to Colorado right after he'd sent me a picture of Evergreen.

What's the truth? The truth is that I'm making my decisions according to how I feel. Right now it feels right to move to Santa Fe with Tammy and begin what we consider to be the first of our healing facilities. Our intention is to eventually land in Evergreen, but right now the energy takes us to Santa Fe.

The other truth is that I will miss Brandon and Square Burger and everyone else there so very much. Brandon's made a home for me there at the bar. Brandon has become one of my dearest friends who I love very much. It's always a better day for having seen him and hugged him. Since June 14th this year I've looked forward to seeing his face and wrapping my arms around him every single day.

 

So, Brandon, just so you know, wherever I go I take my memories of you with me. You are part of my family, and there will hardly be a day that goes by that I won't think of you and wish I was sitting at your bar. Larry wants a Strip Burger in Evergreen.Since there's no square and only a strip in that town, that's the name of the restaurant he wants to put together with you and Craig and my big check I hand over to him to get that party started. See, Brandon, I'm not leaving you; I'm taking you with me.

a little brew

Spairies and Sparinas

I talked with my shaman today. He's recently moved to the San Diego area, and he had heard I was moving back to Colorado. He told me not to make any major decisions or plans right now. He said the energy shifts are crazy, and I'll be rearranging my life all over again as soon as I decide to do something.

Yep, already happened. Moved my studio to the spa thinking that I was closing that up and focusing on doing only energy work. So, here I am in the back room throwing out everything I hadn't touched since moving here, purging supplies and paperwork, and just feeling such great relief to get rid of all that excess weight. And then I got a phone call...my agent got me a very big commission that should take me weeks. Well, there you go... So, instead of boxing up the remainder of the supplies, I'm setting up shop with less inventory. I'll be working late at nights and on weekends when clients are not being seen by any of us here.

The other major turning point here at RejuveNation LifeSpa is that three practitioners up and left this week. There were seven and now it's down to the four of us who do practical magic together. We're like Sandra Bullock and Nicole Kidman with their aunts in the kitchen stirring the pot. And afterwards, there's the winding down...

Dr. Alyssa, the head Sparina, also known as the Spa Ballerina

Dr. Alyssa is not only my daughter, but also the chiropractor and the mastermind behind the operations here. She's taught me so much about how great the fun can be while working. I used to work in her dad's chiropractic office, and I guarantee you there was never any live music, sex talks, or alcohol. But, since I was the one who first brought in the band while Alyssa was in Houston, I guess I should get credit for that genius moment.

sign behind the front desk

The Gratitude Cafe is the front room of the spa. It has tin ceilings, wooden flooring, one brick wall, and a huge front desk that spans the width of the room. This is where we have live music, sex talks with margaritas, and celebrations of all kinds. On August 13th, we're having a ribbon cutting with the Chamber of Commerce and then our open house with wine and appetizers. And, of course there will be beer.

Now, back to today... We girls were pow wowing in the Gratitude Cafe as only we can, putting together marketing strategies, events, and game plans of all kinds.

Here are the Spairies (otherwise known as spa fairies) Cindy Goldman on the left and Tammy Davis on the right.

Their brain cells are firing at top speed. Do you just love the fact that they're barefoot?

Cindy Goldman teaches yoga, operates tuning forks with the greatest of ease during sound therapy, and also does neuro-integration that changes the brain synapses so old patterns can be altered. Let me just say that I have used that service a whole lot and plan on doing it again and again and again. My brain needs lots of pattern altering. Just sayin'...

Tammy Davis is the woman with the potions. She does aromatherapy and concocts all kinds of magic in little bottles. The coolest thing that I've played with is her libido juice, as I call it, or sex in a bottle. The magic works like this. A woman puts on a couple of drops and walks around with it on, and the man who is most attracted to her will follow her anywhere. All other men won't even notice. I tried it, and it worked so well. Let's just say I was pleased with everyone's reactions, including those who weren't affected at all. It was a fascinating experiment. Tammy also is a life coach. Now, that's just been a gift from heaven dropped in my lap. I've pummelled her with questions that are crazy-making, and she's very quick to get to the meat of the matter and stop the crazy before it becomes mayor in my little town that resides between my ears.

And then there's me, the newest edition to the Sparinas and Spairies. I do energy work with the craziest thing ever -- energy. Yep, energy. I know a person's getting ready to set an appointment because I fill up with an energy that gets ready for them, and by the time they arrive for their appointment, it's bursting from my seams. Easy as that. I fill up and then out it flows once we're in the room together. Crazy, crazy, crazy... It heals, removes blockages that prevent people from doing what they want, clarifies purpose, balances male and female energies, and envelopes all in peace. I may be whipped after a session, but let me tell you, I feel good. I feel really good.

Me taking a picture of my name on the window

Nax Nok is an Indian tribal term for supernatural power, or she who makes magic happen. I got the name when a friend of mine and I were touring the American Indian Museum in NYC. He came across the name in an exhibit and insisted I use it. I'm a firm believer in signs, and everything that led up to that made me know that he was onto something.

So, now you know what happened today in our world of intrigue and magic and supernatural power. We love what we do, and love sharing it with others. Helping people feel better in every way is our greatest reward. There's nothing like hearing a story of how our work has changed lives. It's unmistakeably magic, and I can't wait to wake up in the morning and do it again.

signs

Friday afternoon I was driving down Louisiana when I saw a sign. Now, I've driven and walked down Louisiana more times than I could ever count, and have never, not once, seen this sign, but I did last Friday.

Right after seeing this sign, I ran into a man I'd been involved with, but hadn't seen in months. He got into the vehicle I was driving, and I drove to a parking lot where we could talk. We hugged and kissed and cried over our sadness in how the relationship had turned out. He had chosen to cut me out of his life because I didn't want what he wanted. We could no longer even be friends. It was over. Totally. Finally, and sadly over. I was sad to lose a dear friend, and he was sad to lose a lover.

Saturday morning I had to pick up my daughter at her friend's house. As I parked the car across the street from his house, I noticed a sign in the neighbor's yard that read: "Protected by Smith," and just hours later I was out with my daughter's friend's father talking until 2 in the morning about everything from flying small aircraft to how a man can open up a woman with his eyes. He got to show me that last one.

We kissed and hugged and touched for the next three hours. It was the most rapturous experience imaginable, that is until I had a vision of this man I'm fond of in Colorado pop into my head. And, at that point I was having difficulty not calling my date by another's name. 

The next day the friend's father texted me, and when I hit the reply button, it wouldn't respond. I hit it three more times and it went directly to texts I'd received from my friend in Colorado.

Now, by this time I'm looking at all the synchronicities of how this Colorado man has popped up at all the most interesting times. You see, his last name is Smith. And, on Facebook a friend of mine posted this tidbit of information: one definition of 'smith' is: 'one who makes or effects anything' ..... 'effect' being the key word here, and I responded with: Effect -- the power to influence a result.

Hm, my events with some absolutely wonderful kissable men came to abrupt halts after seeing Smith signs, and not just the ones posted outside buildings, but also the inability to reply to the man I had been kissing on for three hours, and instead get sent to Mr. Smith's texts. What????

And now, I'm looking at the time and realizing that the three-hour-kiss-fest man was supposed to call me about an hour ago, and he hasn't. How can he? I'm writing about being secured and protected by Smith.

David Deida - Spirit Sex Love - Part 3 of 12

I just finished watching this video and had to write about it. I've had an experience this week. No, many experiences this week with several different men, and then to end my week with this video is like finding the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

I've been struggling with my continual pattern of attracting unavailable men. And after watching this video I'm really understanding that the reason is because I'm the one that's been unavailable. Whew! Watching David show how a man can open up a woman and how that feels to her is... I have no words for it. I know that's what I want to be.

He says there are three stages of desiring a man in a woman's life:
1. I need a man.
2. I don't need a man.
3. A man opens me more than I can open myself to God. I don't need a man. I can take care of myself but myself isn't good enough anymore. I want to be wide open, and I find a certain man opens me wide without boundaries and often more consistently than I can do on my own.

This third phase is when a woman aches to be taken, to be ravaged and opened to God. Oh sweet baby jesus!

I remember a night when lying on top of a magnificent man just staring into each other's eyes, that soft yearning to be so close you could melt into each other, and he said to me, "I want to ravage you all night." There wasn't a single cell in my body that didn't jump to attention at that point. I could feel my heart open so widely that I would have given him anything. Absolutely anything.

It's that openness that David's talking about. That wide openness that we don't share with the world because we're so scared of being hurt. I just mentioned that to a friend yesterday when she asked me why I chose to be unavailable. I was scared spitless. I was scared to open my heart and keep it open. What would others think? What words would be said to me? What men would flee?

And then, I got angry. I intentionally tried to scare men off in the beginning of the relationships because I didn't want to invest in them if they weren't going to have staying power. The truth is that everything I invest in alters me more than anyone else. Who was I trying to kid? I want it all so I must show up as me. I must become available with a hugely open heart, arms spread wide, and not caring what anyone else thinks. How can I possibly get what I so greatly desire if I can't be it? Watching this video made me see what it is I want. Completely. Totally. And I want it now. I choose to be available. I choose to be vulnerable. I choose to be open and loving and real with a man that offers me love so openly that we take each other deeper and deeper.

There is no greater gift we can be to another or to ourselves.

So, let the ravaging begin...