Thursday, September 16, 2010


I don't know where to begin. These past few days have been the most extraordinary of my life beginning with last Friday when saying "see ya later" to McKinney.

Every time I have left a town I've never looked back, never wanted to go back. McKinney's different. Yes, it's because my daughter's there but it's also because I fell in love there. I fell in love with the square, the people, the magic, and myself. It's an amazing place, one that I will never permanently leave.

Just writing about my time there brings tears to my eyes. It was almost two years of re-discovering myself and finally enjoying who I saw in the mirror. I got a lot of backlash from family members not believing in me, not trusting me, and thinking I've pretty much lost my mind. I thank them for helping me clarify exactly what I'm here to do and how I want to show up in the world. I'm here to serve. I'm here to love unconditionally. I'm here to throw off all the crap from judgments and criticisms I've held so dear. And, I'm here to get rid of the notion of what's true and what's not because I've learned that just when I think I've discovered "the truth" I've also discovered that it's false.

My life is malleable. My time collapses, and my world shrinks and expands. It has a mind of its own it seems, and sometimes I'm just along for the ride. I don't know where I'm going. More importantly, I don't want to know. I want to be so fully present that the future isn't even a concern anymore, and the past doesn't even show up on my radar screen. Right here, right now I am exactly where I need to be. My heart overflows with love for all. I can't be contained. I think of one person and my heart blossoms; I think of another and it feels like my body's gonna bust in two to let it out. I am that full. I am that in love with me, with all.

My last night in McKinney was spent with a man that I never expected to see again, much less share such an amazing experience together. He was... well, I have no words for how he showed up last Friday. I used to try to figure out how my life would go, how I could play it out, and then this man showed up again and changed everything.

I got to see me through his eyes again, and this time I liked what I saw. Finally. Miraculously. He gave me the greatest gift I could've ever asked for if I'd only known to ask for it. He gave me the gift of allowing me to really appreciate what he saw in me. Forty years later I can look in his eyes and enjoy the view of how he looks at me because as a freshman in high school I could not understand how in the world he could look at me like that. I couldn't even look in the mirror, so how could he possibly look at me and enjoy what he was seeing? How could he?

It was a rather tough night for me anyway because I was saying my goodbyes every place we went, and Square Burger was the last stop on the square. I remember Nathon giving me my beer, and I remember Brandon handing me some cards. As I opened the first one and read what Brandon had written to me, I began to cry. This wonderful man who sat on a bar stool next to me, wrapped his arms around me, and let me know it was okay to cry. My heart broke. Tears streaming down my face, and I could think of no other place I wanted to be but in his arms.

I am so grateful to all the people in my life who have helped transform me. I am such a work in progress, and now I do it with such joy, such gratitude, and with so much love. I can't help but give it back. I would explode if I didn't.

So, my friend, Tammy Davis, and I are giving back and serving to the best of our ability right now. We're working with AIDS and cancer patients so far. We've teamed up with my energy work and her aromatherapy. Being in the AIDS facility yesterday helped me understand why my life has unfolded as it has. I opened my heart and showered love all over these people. We are all magnificent souls here. We just get so caught up in the mundane and the craziness. I know, I was once there. I was once the one juggling mortgages, car loans, 12-hour work days, chauffeuring kids, etc. I remember how little I put into my spiritual growth. I didn't even think about it. I just knew that my days were good if my to-do lists could be completed, or close to it.

Now, I love. Now, I lead from my heart. Now, I feel instead of think. Now, I appreciate and am grateful. Now... It's all I've got.

Friday, September 3, 2010

My Brandon

My Brandon and Me

Last night Brandon came over to the spa while I was working late. If you're totally unfamiliar with my life, Brandon is someone I absolutely love and the owner of Square Burger. Contrary to what a lot of people think when they see us together, Brandon and I have really only known each other since the middle of June. And still, I call him my Brandon. Last night when I told him that, he just smiled and said, "Well, I call you my Jill." As he should. I am his Jill, always.

So, when people question who I am to him, he can just say that I'm his Jill as I will always refer to him as my Brandon.